Good Bye Dad

My father passed away on Wednesday morning of a heart attack.  He had been undergoing radiation treatment for throat cancer and in an extreme amount of pain; God decided he did not want him to suffer and brought him home.


I wrote this poem for him, and I know he knows -- somehow and will be reading it over someone's shoulder somewhere.  I am not a poet in the least; however the words just flowed like my tears down my cheeks as I typed.

RIP Gordon Edward Harlod Brinkman
May 17, 1944 - August 24, 2011

I love you Dad!

My Dad really was Santa, and I will miss him always.

Good Bye Dad

I sit and stare at your picture and say good bye,
I really can’t seem to not cry.
I love you so much Dad,
And you are no longer in pain, that does make me glad.
I see that sparkle in your eye,
This hurts too much to say good bye.
I know that you are in my heart,
And we will never really be apart;
But it hurts so much right now inside,
It started August 24, the day you died.
I know it will get better and hurt much less,
Is getting through all this pain some kind of test?
You always taught me to be strong,
And made sure I knew that “life will go on”.
I’m glad I talked to you the night before,
And got to hear Hailey say “I love you Grandpa Gord”.
I love you Dad, and will miss you forever;
One day far away, again we’ll be together.
Until that day comes for us,
I will go on and not make too much fuss;
‘Cause I know you would rather I not cry,
It’s just so hard to say this good bye.

jjbrinkman © 2011

life in words

Life can throw curves, and life can be overwhelming; but, there is always something, a project, someone to help, some small task that gives us a gratification to keep us going.

My daughter is my life, and although raising her can sometimes feel overwhelming (we have reached the terrible twos with a vengence), her hugs and "I love you Mom"'s make me know I have the best job in life -- being her mom.

For two years old she has the vocabulary of an adult, the sense of humour equivilant to a pre-teen and the shining personality of a star.  Despite the Houdini escapes from her carseat whilst driving home, and the ear piercing "Leave me alone" screams; Hailey Regan Lynn sure is the best thing that ever happened to me.

As we got ready for bed tonight, she looked at me and said "I am Mommy Juwia", and then gave me a hug.  She then pulled back from the hug, looked me in the eye and finished telling me about what being "Mommy Juwia" means:  "I'm the boss, what I say goes, cause I'm the mom!"

Oh how I love my daughter!!

life in words

head spins

this ride we call life makes me dizzy.  it starts off slow and you can see the first turn and maybe the first up doesnt look too bad, but once you are over that hill and spiralling faster is when the screaming starts -- maybe you enjoy the ride -- maybe it makes your stamach jump to your throat -- maybe it gives you the head spins.


I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, and for the record, I have never been a fan of that amusement ride.  It's a ride coupled with a house of horrors, one with the kind that leave you shaking when you walk out the other side with the sick to your stamach feeling.

I really have been trying to hols emotione in check, but it is not as easy as others seem to make it look. I know I can't be the only one out there made of weepy, emotional mush; could I be?

I look in the mirror and the roo behind me starts spinning and my eyes well, I choke back the lump in my throat, but my heart just seems to want to jump right out of me.  I can't tell if I am really spinning, or if it's the room.  So many feelings, so much weight pushing me down; will this spinning end soon?  Where is the wall or a handle to grasp.  I feel so alone on my rollercoaster, my stomach doesn't want to be here, it keeps trying to climb up and out.

No, I tell myself, this ride is not going to get the better of me.  I will face this fear head on, even if alone, I know there is ground once it stops, and I know it the head spin will subside eventually.  I don't like that the rollercoaster operator has left the controls, and on high speed; however, once this thing stops I will find that operator.  Toss the smug son-of-a-bitch into the rollercoaster seat, strap him in good and tight; maybe I will even duck tape his hands to his sides so he can't hang on, or undo the belts.

Devising the plan not to let the beast that runs this ride beat me has me distracted now, the spinning isn't so bad -- focusing is still not completely atainable -- but things aren't rushing by so much.  I know I need to just focus; focus, focus, focus.  Keep my eye on the horizon as "they" say, 'it will get better', 'this too shall pass.'

I think I can make it on this ride after all.  I may lose a bit of balance here and there, but I am gonna beat this bastard.  And so be it, if he beats me I am taking him down too.

I have had some extreme emotional challenges lately, and I noticed that I am not the only one; however, I sometimes feel like I am stuck on a never ending rollercoaster that wont slow down.  I have also noticed that there are many people (too many that I know and love), that have been affected by an evil beast that goes by the name of  cancer.  I think my feelings in this story are part of what I am experiencing with so many loved ones fighting this monster, and partially the feelings of what I think someone fighting against cancer may be feeling. 
 I was 18 when mine was found (severe dysplasia), and fortunately it was removed not long after.  It has never come back, and I pray it never does.  I also think at the time I was not well educated on the fact that the type I had could have turned out to be life threatening.  I was  one of the lucky ones.  But if it turns out that the beast ever returns to my body, in this life, you can be assured I will take it out with me as I planned to in my story.
jj brinkman © 2011

life in words

As I sit here I am at a loss for inspiration to write anything overly creative; I have had a long week, and cannot wait for the family adventure that lies ahead in the next two days.  I know that I do have lot's of "life" stories and such that I could type out; however, I just think that the energy has just been spent on playing tea party and dancing "winga-way" with my more than inspirational toddler.

I will get into more of a groove with this whole "blogging" thing once I am in the fall routine I think.  There are just so many things going on and so much to do before I can sit down and let the creative juices flow.  I have several started both in electronic copy and in my head -- I think I just lack the dicipline to sit down on my free time to get things done.  Once my daughter gets into a more regular bedtime and the two-year-old molars are finally through, I should have a bit more free time as well.

I welcome tomorrow by closing my eyes and listening to my audiobook --- sets me off into my dreamy state that gives me inspiration for more of my fantasy stories.  And with this I will depart the blog, as I had to retype "fantasy" about four times before I got the word correct.  My brain has said good night and beckonning me to join it.

~jj brinkman

Thanks

Thank you to MD Blackburn for having faith in my talent and publishing my story in his book, Human Nature.

He now has more than one book in circulation, and can be found via his publishing company, Silverwood Books.  His first one which contains my story can be found here:

http://www.silverwoodbooks.co.uk/detail.asp?item=60

And a thank you also goes out to my friend Amanda Holliday, for making me look way better than I do; by using her skills she is learning in her diploma course from the New York Institute of Photography.  Her original photographs and photo edits can be found on her personal site, here:

http://photosbyamandaholliday.webs.com/