life in words

head spins

this ride we call life makes me dizzy.  it starts off slow and you can see the first turn and maybe the first up doesnt look too bad, but once you are over that hill and spiralling faster is when the screaming starts -- maybe you enjoy the ride -- maybe it makes your stamach jump to your throat -- maybe it gives you the head spins.


I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, and for the record, I have never been a fan of that amusement ride.  It's a ride coupled with a house of horrors, one with the kind that leave you shaking when you walk out the other side with the sick to your stamach feeling.

I really have been trying to hols emotione in check, but it is not as easy as others seem to make it look. I know I can't be the only one out there made of weepy, emotional mush; could I be?

I look in the mirror and the roo behind me starts spinning and my eyes well, I choke back the lump in my throat, but my heart just seems to want to jump right out of me.  I can't tell if I am really spinning, or if it's the room.  So many feelings, so much weight pushing me down; will this spinning end soon?  Where is the wall or a handle to grasp.  I feel so alone on my rollercoaster, my stomach doesn't want to be here, it keeps trying to climb up and out.

No, I tell myself, this ride is not going to get the better of me.  I will face this fear head on, even if alone, I know there is ground once it stops, and I know it the head spin will subside eventually.  I don't like that the rollercoaster operator has left the controls, and on high speed; however, once this thing stops I will find that operator.  Toss the smug son-of-a-bitch into the rollercoaster seat, strap him in good and tight; maybe I will even duck tape his hands to his sides so he can't hang on, or undo the belts.

Devising the plan not to let the beast that runs this ride beat me has me distracted now, the spinning isn't so bad -- focusing is still not completely atainable -- but things aren't rushing by so much.  I know I need to just focus; focus, focus, focus.  Keep my eye on the horizon as "they" say, 'it will get better', 'this too shall pass.'

I think I can make it on this ride after all.  I may lose a bit of balance here and there, but I am gonna beat this bastard.  And so be it, if he beats me I am taking him down too.

I have had some extreme emotional challenges lately, and I noticed that I am not the only one; however, I sometimes feel like I am stuck on a never ending rollercoaster that wont slow down.  I have also noticed that there are many people (too many that I know and love), that have been affected by an evil beast that goes by the name of  cancer.  I think my feelings in this story are part of what I am experiencing with so many loved ones fighting this monster, and partially the feelings of what I think someone fighting against cancer may be feeling. 
 I was 18 when mine was found (severe dysplasia), and fortunately it was removed not long after.  It has never come back, and I pray it never does.  I also think at the time I was not well educated on the fact that the type I had could have turned out to be life threatening.  I was  one of the lucky ones.  But if it turns out that the beast ever returns to my body, in this life, you can be assured I will take it out with me as I planned to in my story.
jj brinkman © 2011